Keeping on Top of Fear – aka The Emotional Rollercoaster

There are lots of books written on fear– overcoming it or not letting it control you — and to tell you the truth I have read none of them. I am not saying that I haven’t been afraid in my life, but to be honest, I’ve had it pretty good. I haven’t had any traumatic events, no serious emergency room visits, no life threatening situations. Until now.

This one is big. But even with this one people were saying, “this isn’t doom and gloom” “this is highly treatable” “the best kind of cancer you can get”. Well today I got news it might be something else. 

Today I got the first inkling from any medical professional that I may not survive this cancer. The biopsy results indicated “a consistency” with a rare type of Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma called Mantle Cell. Only 5% of people with Non-Hodgkins have Mantle Cell. And unfortunately it’s harder to treat. Today I heard words like “survival rate” and “aggressive treatment”.

The concept that I may not survive this I cannot be with. It terrifies me. I stuffed that fear way down for the whole day, basically in denial that the results indicated anything of the sort. It’s still inconclusive. They don’t know yet. They’re running more tests. And all of that is true and I’m hopeful that they find out something different in the next week.

I was doing pretty well handling it all but then I got a little over hungry before dinner and didn’t feel taken care of, and I lost the cap I had on the emotions. They all came tumbling out. The fear, the anger, the tears. Lots and lots of tears (and I thought I was past tears — ha!).

Fear is an emotion that will not be suppressed for long. It demands to be felt. When you feel it, experience it, it subsides. Bravery can step in. People say to feel the fear and do it anyway, and that is what I’ll do when I have the bone marrow extracted from my hip tomorrow morning.

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Kristi Atwood - August 12, 2013

Keeping you in my prayers Laren.

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Jean - August 13, 2013

Dang. Feeling the fear with you. Sending you love, my friend.

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Suze - August 13, 2013

Laren, if at any moment you feel you need more info, then ask for referrals, ask questions, ask! And if you aren’t happy with the answers, post and I’ll ask on your behalf. You have a lot going in your favor. Keep positive. Be courageous and ask ask ask.

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Kim Thompson - August 14, 2013

I think this blog is great, Laren, to get things out. I often did, and still do, keep all the fear and worry inside so as not to worry my family. If we verbalize the fear, I think it helps us become less afraid.

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Lita - August 14, 2013

I am so sorry to hear about this. Please know that you are in my thoughts and know that your circle of companions and friends, each, have something to offer you by way of support. I hope you can take it all in and let us be with you in whatever way you need.

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anne basco - August 14, 2013

Hi Laren, Breathe with the fear, breathe rather than suppress, breathe into the tears, breathe into the joy of your loved ones, breathe and unfurl into the fullness of living even if this living isn’t the image you projected for yourself. XO Anne

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Julia Bock - August 14, 2013

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family, Hugs!

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Suze - August 14, 2013

I’ve got to chime in- as someone who had to intervene with both of my parents who had cancer– always remember to ask why they are recommending you do something. Will it prolong life? Will it reduce pain? Will it make me feel better / more comfortable? These are the questions to ALWAYS ask when your doctors recommend something. If you get an answer like ” because it’s something we can do”, ask those questions again and listen carefully. The medical profession is well-meaning, but sometimes they forget about your perspective. Good luck, and blessings to you. Fight the good fight. You’re tough, even though you may not feel it right now.

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